I hate to be bored ..

.. and another thing I hate is that if I truly loved someone, I have a problem of letting them go. Some days it can be that something reminds me about a person that played a big part in my life before, and then it can take me weeks to let go of that person again. Ive had so many great persons in my life, so many friends have been supporting me and loving me for who I am, but then we choosed different paths, or they moved far away and the connection just faded out. I hate that too. I hate that I cant be with everyone I ever loved forever, I feel so lost, so insecure and so afraid sometimes. Like everyone else of course. Ive always been loved by my family, but no one liked me before I was about 15, no one gave me a chance, no one thought my words meant anything, my clothes were different, my thoughts were strange so my mouth stayed closed. I was never shy, I thought I was but no, Ive never been a shy person, Ive always been talking like a freakin parrot when Im with people that let me speak and dont shut me up or push me down right away, I just dont feel like Im smart enough to speak. Im not living in this world all the time, most of the time Im in my own dream world, making up plans of how life can be more like in my dreams, living out my wildest fantasies as much as I can with my clothes and my art, music inspiring me to talk about love beyond this world, creatures never living in this nature, words and meanings that should not be spoken from a sane person without sounding freaky or awkward. I do this, Im not saying Im special or unique in any way, Im just not ordinary and I didnt fit in when I was younger, not because I was smarter than the rest of the kids or something, I was more childish than them, I still am. Im still just a little girl with a strange way of seeing this world. And what makes me feel a little bit closer to how smart, beautiful, kind and caring I want to become is people that gives me a chance and accept me and tell me that Im a good person and that they like me for exactly who I am.
 Picture from deviantart.com, not mine.


This is just a story about nothing, really nothing at all. Well, some of it may be something, but really, its nothing.
And it starts with a fire, a fire that was burning so intense and shining so bright. Like the stars, you could see it from lightyears away. But the fire didnt know that rain is a part of nature, a part of life. The fire thought it was immortal and that its soul had some kind of destiny to follow, something important to do for a change of something but it didnt really know what or why just that there was more than just glowing and showing its will and flames. So the fire died, almost. It was so tired, so sleepy. The rain is nature, the rain is life. And the fire learned after many thoughts of suffering, the lesson it was meant to learn. Its nothing, really nothing. Im nothing without everything else. Everything that made me come so far before, everyone that light me up before. Im nothing, the fire said. But with these words it, as meant to be, it was awaken by a kiss from love, a kiss from the sun, the stars the hearts of everyone that saw that there was more than that shine the shine came from the inside and it was now burning, more intense than ever. The fire could never harm you and it never would. Its a paradise out there, a broken paradise and it will always be. Let the broken souls walk together, blind in a paradise that they can feel but never see. Its my broken paradise and I will love you all for awaken me, you light me up when I was down.
And do never fear the rain, its a part of nature a part of life you will rise again and more alive everytime. I know so.

Friends forever

I know that some people are just meant to stay right here in my heart. Even if they dont stay by my side forever, even if we lose the times to talk and share everything and nothing I belive they will always be in my heart and I wont cry if they leave me, I wont be hurt, because I know even if they walk away with maybe anger, sadness or some kind of harm that was made in our friendship I will always be a part of their life, a time of mixed feelings in their life.
I have a problem leaving past behind and sometimes it makes my whole word fall apart it takes a place on my shoulders so I can feel the weight of it all pushing me down but belive me its not their faulth its all my own. I just dont know how to end it, how to let it be a memory, if I loved I have a problem letting myself love the memories, I love the memories but I dont want it to end. But really nothing ends because it will always be a part in my heart, taking a place somewhere in my head resting, remind me sometimes and when it does I should just let it be memories. And love them.
Even if the road got split in two and you choose the one I cant take, I know we will pass each other by someday, and I will carry my memories in my bag and I wont look at them to find you again, I will look at them to remind me of all that happened. We may not on the same road forever, but I know Im still in those peoples heart and they will stay in mine forever. Some people will look like a true friend or like the true love and then it all will just fade away hardly leaving a memory. Those people I cant say much about. But some people, and most of them you didnt even thought would be such a big part of your life, will stay there, maybe stay right by your side forever or just stay as the sweet memory it should be. You do not have to take all of the people you loved with you, cause the road will split in so many different roads and you wont be able to take everyone with you. I wish I could. I wish I could make more and more memories every single day of my life with those I loved. But I cant. Its my second problem. When I meet a new friend Im so afraid loosing them, and you often do. Some stay but some just fade away leaving a big mark in your heart and head. I must try to understand all this, not just know it, really understand it so I can take it. I wont cry, I wont be hurt. I wont. But I will remember.
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